By Bettina Musall
Can sleeping in separate beds help marriages survive?
Under these circumstances, it's hardly surprising that men claim to sleep more soundly when their partner is in bed than when she isn't. By contrast, women say they are woken up more often by their partner, either because the noise emanating from the other side of the bed has become intolerably loud or because the unequal weight distribution on the mattress bounces them around as if they were on a trampoline whenever their male bedfellow rolls over (which he does, by the way, up to 30 times a night).
Researchers also say that the fact that women have a harder time relaxing at night has something to do with the still typical division of household responsibilities within our society. Mothers, who predominantly play the role family caregiver -- that is, satisfying children's needs, caring for the elderly and worrying about teenagers that don't come home on time at night -- pursue their familial "air traffic control" duties at night as a way of preventing conflict and accidents. And it's not like they can just flip a switch and relax.
With age, these gender-specific sleep patterns only get more pronounced. Women suffer from restless leg syndrome, while men gradually lose the ability to sleep deeply. Those who like to take naps during the day find that they can't fall or stay asleep at night. And, despite the fact that most men are amazingly impervious to their own bodily odors, women aren't. Not even a couple sprays of Chanel No. 5 -- whose dream-evoking qualities even Marilyn Monroe cherished -- are going to be able to smother the smell emitted from wearing flannel pajamas and wool socks.
Likewise, scientists have identified almost a hundred different sleep disturbances. So, is it any wonder that couples cannot rest easy when they then pool their problems?
Embracing the Sheets That Bind You
Despite all they have to endure, it's still mainly women who are loath to forfeit the proximity, assurance and sense of security that sharing a bed affords. "I couldn't fall asleep without my husband. I've been like that all my life," a 69-year-old woman from Munich told American somnologist Paul C. Rosenblatt, who interviewed 42 couples about their nocturnal habits. His findings were clear: There's more to going to bed with another person than sleep and sex. Instead, it's about fostering and maintaining a relationship.
Often enough, people who live together only find out what really moves their partner -- their experiences, their aspirations, their preferences, their pet peeves -- once they are lying in bed together. Germans watch an average of 3.5 hours of television a day. According to statistics compiled by marriage counselors, couples spend only about eight minutes a day speaking to each other. So, it makes good sense that they should at least spend the night together.
Despite what scientific findings have indicated, our double-bed society tends to associate separate bedrooms with the waning of love and the beginning of separation. Some people are embarrassed about what their children might think; others are worried that it's a sign that their partner is distancing him- or herself both physically and emotionally.
One thing is certain: Having passed through the period of blind infatuation in which few people care much about getting undisturbed rest, many people realize they desperately need a good night's sleep. This, in turn, ushers in a cooling-off phase in the bedroom. According to researchers, this mainly takes place non-verbally with the unfortunate result that, over a period of years, the couple begins to have misunderstandings and experience unconscious aggression. Viennese sleep psychologist Gerhard Klösch says waking up with a vague feeling of rage or anger can simply be the result of having spent yet another night next to a snoring bedfellow.
Klösch also says that the question of whether both partners are sleeping well should be addressed early on, openly, together and with plenty of understanding rather than waiting until one of the bedmates has rings around the eyes. So, 15 years into a relationship, if you find yourself yearning for the next business trip so you can get a decent night's sleep again, you should speak to your partner about it without delay -- or, instead, seek out a therapist who can delve more deeply into why you would prefer to make life miserable for yourself.
For the widow in Munich, though, that's no longer possible. Ever since her husband died, she has shared her standard-size double bed with his two teddy bears. She says she appreciates the fact that she can now stretch out. "But if my husband could lie beside me once again," she admits, "I'd give up the privilege in an instant."
Translated from the German by Jan Liebelt
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